Historical Bitches

Not of the Cleopatra/Marie Antoinette type, but more the GAH DID THESE PEOPLE NEVER TAKE WESTERN CIVILIZATION SURELY THAT MUST BE A REQUIREMENT FOR BEING DICTATOR??? kind.

*ahem*

The first three are kind of the same, but whatever.

1.) Please, Powerful General Commander People, do not attempt beach landings when your enemy is sitting on the top of the hill with machetes/bows and arrows/fireballs/machine guns/pick a historically appropriate weapon waiting to pick off your stupid soldiers and laugh and then break for lunch. Because it? WILL NOT WORK. My God, I am sick of reading about this. Some Napoleonic battle, Gallipoli, Dunkirk, and D-Day (okay, that one worked out, but only because Hitler sleeps late and is a meglomaniac and it was dicey there for awhile, have you never seen Saving Private Ryan???), and that’s just within a hundred years!!! So from now on, if you are stupid enough to pick the worst possible landing area to go bounding out from your nice safe ships, you deserve to die. That is all.

2.) Similarly, stop planning cross-channnel invasions of England. It will not work. It has worked once. In 1066, when the inhabitants were barbaric and the Normans were, well, the Normans. IN 1066. A thousand years ago. If Napoleon couldn’t do it, you can’t either, mmkay, pumpkin???

3.) Why do people repeatedly try to invade Russia during the winter? YOU WILL DIE. It seems like everyone runs through the western part, raping and pillaging and etcetera, and then the stop outside Moscow around October and, I don’t know, preen or something so that they look pretty when they leap into the capital, and then winter comes and THEY ALL DIE. If I was ever to try to invade Russia, I’d leave a couple of months early, but I guess that’s just me.

4.) Why are there no books about WWI or Irleand? I was “working” on Sunday, and WWI has one shelf, and Ireland has like seven books and most of them I’ve read, a couple of them are by Frank McCourt (blergh), and then there’s one that I can’t afford but want really badly. Anyhoodles. Where are the David McCulloughs and Joseph Ellis’ of Irish history? Is it too much to ask that Alison Weir hop the Irish sea and write a fun tome about the Easter Rising? I think not.

5.) THE CRUSADES WERE NOT STARTED BY MUSLIMS.

6.) The Spanish Inquistion? Was completely our fault, and not even a lofty goal of redeeming the unsaved, unwashed masses but at it’s zenith rather a power-hungry grab for control of Europe.

7.) I don’t care that the Japanese “started it”. Internment camps were still wrong.

8.) We should not begin interring Muslims.

9.) Apologizing to Galileo was ridiculous.

10.) Apologizing to the second-generation citizens who looked differently from us but were put into concentration camps is not ridiculous.

-Slightly Less Historical, but Bitches Nonetheless-

11.) I don’t like my presidential candidates. I would like new ones, please.

12.) Now that Michael Johns, my reason for living watching, is off of Idol, I have nothing to watch tonight until nine. And don’t give me any crap about how an Australian shouldn’t win American Idol, because hell, I’d vote for him for PRESIDENT. (See above.) Frankly, nationalism is a dangerous thing and I think it is about damn time we get someone with a cute accent in there.

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