Monday afternoon, tired.

Colleen and I were watching the Lifetime version of The Tenth Circle last weekend and were talking about how with every single Jodi Picoult novel the parents are all perfect and stepford-ish, at least until the obligatory reconciling sex scene, when they get all freaky and S&M and usually there is blood involved. We decided it was really only a plot point, because who wants a good dad?

I believed that until I realized that I’ve stalked something like 50% of this list. That picture of Robert Downey, Jr. is enough to make me go see Iron Man.

*Waits for the shouts of “I TOLD YOU!!!” from Imladris*

Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure that the woman who wrote it is a lesbian, because no way is Johnny Depp #6. Anthony Bourdain? Seriously?


Oh, internets. I have hit a wall. I don’t know if it’s the Grandpa/hospital stress thing or because I woke up at 4:16 this morning and didn’t really fall back asleep again, but it’s only 6 o’clock and I would like to die. Right now.

Work this morning was not cool, y’all. Between the aformentioned me-> wall thing and the complete and utter lack of anyone of a customer variety, I spent most of the day draped dramatically over the counter, sighing loudly while Aaron laughed at me and said I looked like Scarlett O’Hara. This gave me a chance to say “Oh, Rhett!” in a southern accent, which I think we can all agree is always a damn good time.

We have Yorkshire meat pies. So despite the fact that now they make me think of Sweeney Todd (“Have a little priest!”), I am going to go eat them.

ETA: You know what wakes you up? Chasing a horse, that’s what.

It’s official, I’m a masochist.

There’s is this professor in the history department at school. She’s really nice, sweet, young, etc. You can tell she loves what she does, and really does try to help students understand difficult concepts. Oh, and she’s a ridiculously easy grader. Her tests are all term identification, and if you can make flashcards you can get an A. I see her all over the place, work, Starbucks, even getting a mammogram, and she always smiles kind of like she thinks she knows me but isn’t sure. She sounds perfect, right?

Except for one thing- she’s so boring that I often want to open a vein right there in class because watching myself exsanguinate seems more interesting than whatever she’s droning on about.

I’ve taken two classes from her- my 1960s class and a cultural diversity one. Very few people can make LSD and orgies and EVERYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED during the 1960s seems boring, but damn, she can do it.

Well, you ask, if you hated 1960s so much, why did you take the next class from her? Ah. Remember the grade thing? I needed a cultural diversity class and I needed an A. And we were signed up. It was during this class that I understood the true nature of her dullness- it was a straight lecture, no witty TA to act as a buffer as there had been with 1960s. To make matters worse, it was at the end of the day (read: I skipped half the classes and the other half were devoted to Facebooking). Thinking back on this class, I am filled with a sense of sick dread, such was the extent of the horror.

About an hour ago I was checking my e-mail and discovered one regarding my constitutional law class in the fall. It turns out that “due to unforeseen circumstances” the class has been turned into an online class. I took an online class last semester, and while it was not horrible, it wasn’t great. I didn’t learn as much as I would have in a lecture setting, and my grades were generally lower (although I still got an A). But more than that, if they offer this class as lecture again, I won’t be able to take it. So I decided to find something else.

Because it’s, oh, THE END OF JUNE, there are approximately three open classes at UWM, two are Jewish history (already have one this semester, and that’s about all my shiksa ass wants to take)- but the last one, oh, the last one. It’s American Constitutional Development, a 400-level history class. It’s pretty much the same class, except it will count as advanced credit towards my major. It’s even offered at exactly the same time as my previous con law class.

Sounds perfect, right?

Guess who’s teaching it.

Yep. I will be taking a third class from the most boring professor I have encountered in the five years I’ve been taking college classes. THREE. T

I have had some amazing professors, professors who have inspired me, professors who probably could have smiled at me and I would have committed adultery with them RIGHT THERE (these are not all the same professor, just letting you know…), and yet I have NEVER TAKEN THREE CLASSES WITH THEM.

So fall semester- stay tuned.

Doctor Who= Love

Because my dad has recently discovered this show and it is now his favorite thing ever omg except for maybe my North and South DVDs and strapping mill owners, we watched the new episode this week. I haven’t seen that many episodes since I saw my first one a couple months ago and decided that I should screw this history professor thing, clearly stalking David Tennant is my calling.


Anyways, my mind was completely blown and now I really really want the DVDs and why must they be so expensive, why God? why????


I clearly need the DVDs, too, because next week in honor of our nation’s birthday there will be random Twilight Zone episodes rather than a new Doctor.

God, why couldn’t we have just paid the damn tax? No, we had to get all high and mighty and revolutionary and throw their damn tea in the water. Well, Founding Fathers, now I’m paying for it and I AM NOT AMUSED.

Although as Colleen pointed out, if there was no United States I would probably still be in Ireland, most likely kicking it in Ulster trying to pick up somebody with an accent. Or tilling a field in Poland. I prefer the Ireland story. Especially since I’m pretty sure my mother’s DNA would win out.

Lies. All lies.

Ha! You thought I was going to be uplifting and shallow today, didn’t you? Pssh. N00b.

Nopes, today we’re going to instead talk about gun control and how I am officially pissed off with this term. Gah. Seriously guys? SERIOUSLY??? Please, in the name of all that is holy, do better next year. Take a couple months. Regroup. Come back in October and BE NORMAL.


But lest you think I’ve done nothing today but cry bleeding heart tears until my emo eyeliner runs, I give you the box art for the CSI:NY Season 4 DVDs. This would not normally be notable, except that I feel I must comment upon the actual box art. And how they put Stella in the fugliest sunglasses on this planet, and apparently draped a pillow case over the camera when they were shooting Mac, because he looks about 35.

Anyhoodles, it’s late and apparently I’m the only 20 year old on the planet who cannot function on four hours of sleep and stress. Good night!

In which I rail on some of my favorite people ever omg, Supreme Court justices.

I was going to figure out something way more shallow and narcissistic to write about and then put this at the end, but it deserves to be first. Today, SCOTUS struck down the death penalty in child rape cases. And it’s about damn time, frankly. Not that I, in any way, am coming down in favor of child rapists. I read the story about one of the two convicts that this ruling affects, and it was one of the saddest and most disgusting things I’ve ever seen. The fact that the children assaulted in these cases lived makes it actually more disturbing, in a weird twisted way.

But the idea that the United States, supposedly one of the most advanced and modern nations in the world, still makes a practice of executing maybe-not-as-innocent-as-previously-assumed people in horrific maybe-not-as-painless-as-previously-assumed ways is just as disgusting. We execute more people than Saudi Arabia. Only China and Iran are ahead of us. China and Iran. One is one the few remaining communist nations left in the world, and one is FREAKING IRAN. It is not a proud day when you realize that you’re beating Saudi Arabia in human rights violations.

And it’s not going to change- both the presidential candidates support capital punishment. The case today was decided 5-4, really white-knuckling it, and I’m not entirely sure that if it was a case involving a federal case or a murder that Kennedy would sway the same way. Especially because he kind of totally didn’t two months ago.

But here’s the thing that’s really bothers me- every single justice in the minority is Catholic. I consider myself a pretty conservative Catholic (as do all four of the justices in the minority- and believe me, I’ve checked). My faith is incredibly important to me; since my early teens I’ve known that it is the single most grounding and important force within my life and that nothing I do on this earth will ever matter as much as that. I’ve been reading a lot about the Church and theology lately, and not only has it increased and strengthened my faith but it has made me realize that I do believe that it is possible to entertain, at least in theory, questions about the Church and her policies while still “towing the line” and fundamentally supporting it. (Like my views on homosexuality, which usually make my father go, “You’ve been indoctrinated!!!” and then leave the room. Yeah. It’s always a good time.)

Let me first say that I am in favor of the separation of church and state- I really am. At the same time, I know that government, and the Supreme Court in particular, is composed of human beings. And I know that if I were on the Supreme Court (as much as I like to beat on judicial activism) I would not be able to leave this very integral part of me that just screams OMG DON’T KILL PEOPLE SRSLY at the door and be all, “Yep. State’s rights.”

Anyway, this was just supposed to be a link and a line of commentary, and it became an entire entry that took me an hour to write because I had to look up a bunch of crap (and check Facebook sixteen times…), and reading it again I realize that it’s kind of less about the ruling (which I’m in favor of) and more about my general depression regarding the prospects of outlawing it.

I promise tomorrow will be more uplifting. Really!

Tales from the DMV

I was standing in line with John this afternoon, and there’s this girl behind me with her toddler and boyfriend/significant other/baby daddy. She looked really young, but some people just look young. Then she gets on the phone with her friend and starts talking about how she needs a new ID card because she thinks she left hers in the bar last night- I know, I turn 21 and lose my ID the first night! Go me, right? (I was quoting there.) So after I stopped saying Hail Marys because I do not have a toddler running around screaming about yogurt (adorable, btw, but oh so much work), I was slightly amused. Finally, when she gets up to the window, the guy asks if she is renewing her drivers license or ID card and she goes, “*chuckles* Oh, ID card. My license is not valid right now.”

Wow. Winner.

One link tonight- YES! YES! I have been waiting for eight years for this!!! And these were the ones that weren’t shown on TV- pre-Ernie!!! I shall die with happiness.

Not as interesting a turn of events as planned.

Dear Imladris,

Um…I kind of sorta finished most of your Sally Lund bread. It’s tasty? How did you make it so pleasingly doughy, but not annoyingly yeasty? You have quite the gift for breads, young lady.

Anyhoodles, I’m also going to totally need to use your elliptical machine now, as I feel like a beached whale. So yeah. Consider it payback for the last 18 years.



*Then I read an nasty little wall mesage*

(I quote:)

“You. Me. Keelin. Movie on Friday. Would that work for you? You must see it.”Great, because I didn’t want to see it anyway, noob.Oh, and I’m going to sneak in your room tonight and take nasty pictures of YOUR pasty cellulite thighs and POST THEM ALL OVER FACEBOOK, OMG, HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW.

(End quote.)

Dear Imladris,

I ate your bread. I’m using your elliptical machine. You’re taking John to drivers ed in the morning because all the eating and ellipitcaling will most likely tire me out.

And you know what??? IT’S OKAY. Because you’ve spent the last 18 years taking my stuff and wearing my clothes and stretching out my shoes and apparently wearing even my old underwear, which I don’t remember but it doesn’t surprise me given how cheap our parents are- frankly, I’m surprised that they had a second child because the first one was totally still good- and even, it appears, cuddling up in my bed with a 4-foot body pillow and DAMMIT YOU TOOK MY MOMMY.


And I totally meant you too for the movie. And I took down the embarrassing picture, which I totally didn’t notice was embarrassing, and GET OFF MY BACK.

Have a good time at your bonfire.


In which I critique members of the clergy.

So, Father Newbie. Seemed nice. With the exception of an improper use of “I” (but not glaring, because it was the kind that sounds better, such as “He was with {blank} and I,” instead of the correct “He was with {blank} and me,”, so I’ll forgive him) and some awkward sentences that could have easily been rectified by moving the adverb around, his grammar was better than Father Ken’s- his made me want to correct the Letter from the Pastor in red ink and nail it to the church door ala Martin Luther.

Brownie points for not freaking out royally when the chalice was messed up, as our previous pastor would have. And then he probably would have made sure we all knew why he was freaking out royally.

Also, supposedly he’s “good with young people”, which is one of those terms that makes me mad, like “Youth Mass” or “Youth day” or pretty much anything with “youth” in front of it. I am not a stupid teenager who needs poems and hymns and swaying and beer* and no actual doctrine to make me feel better about not having sex- and while we’re there, stop pushing your damn chastity rings!

I’m pretty smart- I am not having a hormone-induced crisis of faith like the rest of my idiot generation, and even if I were I’m intelligent enough to figure it out on my own. And I don’t need a ring to remind me not to have sex! I’ll watch my virtue, you take care of yours, okay?

So stop talking down to me, or if you must at least do it in Latin.


But I won’t hold that against him, because not everyone recoils at the thought of touch-feely faith-sharing like I do.

Really the only thing that I didn’t like was that he’s not Father Ken. Not really his fault, and I know it’s stupid and childish but, dammit, he’s not my priest. *stomps foot* I think it’ll be awhile before I get over that.

*It’s probably a good thing Grandpa doesn’t come to this corner of the internet, because the very mentioning of beer may rekindle the Great Theology-On-Tap Crisis of ’01, in which he almost single-handedly drove two different men of the cloth to abandon their vocations and take up drugs and women in Tijuana. Oh, it was a rocky summer.

Get Smart- Major Geekout

The movie? A. Mazing. So funny. Not nearly as stupid as I had anticipated.

I had forgotten most of the stuff from the show, but Oh! So funny when it happened!!!

My only complaint (other than the toilet humor, which could have been toned down a little) is that I’m exactly the wrong age to see this movie. I’m young enough that when I see Anne Hathaway I think Princess Diaries, and old enough that when I see Steve Carell I think The Office. And I do not need to see Michael Scott macking on Princess Mia.

Other than that? Perfect.