Darwin can go screw himself.

Dear Evolution,

I don’t know if maybe you didn’t notice, what with being a hypothesis and all, but we’re in the modern era. Paleozoic, Bronze, Gold, Iron Ages- been there, done that. In fact, one might argue that we’re in the Post-Modern era, even! Imagine that. Big cities, healthcare, upward mobility, no longer grooming each other like apes. Yes, you’ve really done a good job.

Just one teensy little thing- I live in a city now, in a house. I work in a climate-controlled indoor environment. Rarely do things fall into my face that are harmful to me. So my eyebrows? Not so important. Is there some super special reason that they didn’t fall off like tails after we no longer really needed them? Or is it just to piss me off?

Because today when I have sixteen thousand things to do for someone else’s party (The Someone Else? Cleaned a shower. Not the showers. A shower.) and also need to do my own hair because my loser-ass stylist is “sick” after a two week vacation (Uh-huh. Sure she is.) thus leaving me to deal with my horribly overgrown split ends that were supposed to be remedied, I really, REALLY don’t need to shape my eyebrows as well.

But obviously you felt differently, Evolution. Because I had to waste twenty perfectly good minutes doing so while the floors were drying.

I hope you’re happy.



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