Adventures in Retail

It’s the holiday season, at least in retail. And that means that there is a ton of crap that you have to put up that sparkles and spins and is “gifty” (which, for me, means “anything I could find on the shelf”).

This year, it appears we are featuring a DVD of a fireplace. Which it touted as being realistic. And now with a loop function! Because you know nothing kills the mood like the FBI criminal notice when the DVD starts over! But fear not, because now “this fire is eternal”. And also, the package touts that the romance will never be interrupted by the fire alarm.

Excuse me?

What the hell kind of fires are you starting that your fire alarm goes off? In the middle of the living room? Because I’m pretty sure that’s not recommended.

As though this wasn’t enough hilarity, then we all got a recall notice for some cookbook because they explained how to cook a turkey incorrectly. The book was called (I kid you not), “How to Have the Best Holiday Ever”.


So now I don’t know how to have the best holiday ever. And damn it, this year was going to be so fun anyway.


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