Tales From the Hardware Store

Scene: Home Depot. A young woman stands in the painting supplie aisle.

Flunky: Can I help you, miss?

Author’s Note: Do you think it was the heels that made him eralize that perhaps I needed help? Or the belted trenchcoat? The fact that I vomitted a little upon entering the establishment?

Morena: Do you have a gun? A knife? A month’s supply of valium? Um. Yeah. Do you have plastic drop cloths?

Flunky: Uh…I think so. We have rolls of plastic that you can cut. How big does it have to be?

Morena: I don’t know. Big. Ish. It’s a bathroom. And there needs to be enough left over for me to smother myself because the noose idea is out, I just ripped down the shower rod Not huge.

Flunky: Okay. Here you go.


Oh! Major life skill alert! I SPACKLED today, y’all. I was in a rush and I didn’t have time to fully appreciate it, but I do so love anything that reminds me of frosting a cake.

Yeah. I don’t know either. It’s been a long day. I’ve watched two videos about paramilitaries (Baby Irish terrorists! So cute!) and tried for like an hour to figure out how the story about the professor’s toddler scribbling on the walls and hardwood floors (Sad note about my life: I involuntarily flinched when he said that, because no! What if they had to repaint! *horror*) related in the least to the Anglo-Iraqi war and partition of Iraq.

I have yet to figure it out.


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