He is better off.

Tonight, when Mickey offered to pay me to help her with some home improvement projects, I may have suggested that Johnny Depp could show up and say, “Hey, we can have sex after you strip this wallpaper,” and I’d have to reply, “Um. I guess not. Catch you later.” And I wasn’t even drinking. I don’t think my grandfather would have appreciated my biting wit.

(Please suspend disbelief for the perfectly reasonable assumption that Johnny Depp lives in Fox Point and is madly in love with me.)

But! At least I didn’t call my sister a baby killer. So…we’re getting better at the party thing!

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