8:27- In Memoriam Roll Call. I always tend to forget like half the people, and then get really sad when I remember that they’re dead. Like Charlton Heston. I loved you in The Agony and the Ecstasy! Why are you dead?
8:28- Cyd Charisse! My grandma liked you. But I guess she’s dead too.
8:29- Sydney Pollack is winning the applause-o-meter.
8:31- Paul Newman just took over the lead.
8:32- I just freaked out because they didn’t do Heath Ledger and then my brother reminded me that he was dead before this one last year. Humph. Whatever. They should do him again.
8:33- Okay. Commercial recap. Hugh Laurie, Laura Linney, and the cast of Mad Men have already won. I am officially happier with these results than I have been at any other awards show this season. However, Ralph Fiennes still has no hair. I still do not find this attractive.
8:38- Oh, why do they even bother announcing the rest of the Supporting Actor noms? It’s clearly going to be Heath Ledger.
8:39- Shocker. Heath Ledger.
8:40- I love how Brad Pitt has managed to convince people he is an actual actor and not just a ridiculously well-groomed teenage girl (basically). I hate what Angie has done to him.
8:42- I really want someone to give a drunken speech. No one has so far.
8:44- Okay, can I just say that awards shows are significantly less fun when you don’t get to do weird and wonderful things with vodka? Why am I not drinking? Oh, right. School tomorrow. Poor form.
8:49- Yay Meryl Streep.
8:40:30- OH MY GOODNESS KATE!!! I LOVE YOU KATE! I WANT YOU AND LEO TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES.
8:50- Meryl Streep wins. I’m okay with that. She will probably not profess her undying love for Leonardo DiCaprio, but I did enjoy Doubt. O..kay. She just kissed Ralph Fiennes like full on the mouth. It’s gonna be like that, huh, Meryl?
8:51- Ahahaha. “Awards mean nothing to me anymore.” I love you, Meryl Streep. Even if your politics make me want to open a vein.
8:51:30- What’s up with the sleeves, babe?
8:53- Indeed, let’s thank Amy Adams. And Viola Davis. I heart them. Oh, and the Sisters of Charity. I’m sure they appreciate that, Meryl.
8:54- Tom Cruise was so kind as to unchain Katie Holmes from the basement for the evening. He did not, however, reprogram her speech center, as she is stumbling over words.
8:57- Oh, Sean Penn. I hate you so, so much.
8:59- SPYDADDY! Why are you here? I mean, I love you, but why?
9:00- Finally, best picture. Oh, I’m sorry, “best acting in an ensemble”. Whatever.
9:01- Slumdog Millionaire. What is it about that movie? Why is everybody so into it. Meh. Maybe I should actually go see it. Maybe. Probably not. Boring speech. I can’t understand you, Pretty Girl in Blue Dress. Speak slowly.
Oh, whatever. This was kind of a disappointment. I should have watched the Dugger Wedding instead.