Always listen to your mother.

I spent several years at Concordia during high school. The plan, on both my parents’ part and mine, was to treat that whole experience like high school. I wasn’t getting credit for the classes, and I wasn’t upset that I wasn’t getting credit. It was just like a private high school with way more work but a really pretty coffee shop in the library. Oh, and once President Bush showed up for commencement. That was pretty cool. It would have been cooler if I had stayed with Stalker Boy and gotten to go…but we all make decisions. I decided I wanted my thighs unfondled.

However, I took several years of science classes. While I inherited many things from my grandfather, such as his nose and German peasant hips made for bearing children but not so much for the creating them, his scientific acumen was not among them. I’m not going to be building any nuclear weapons. I suck at science. This was a huge undertaking that required both my parents, Grandpa, several different textbooks, a year’s supply of Kleenex and hell of a lot of bourbon.

I worked really hard, but I did two semesters of chemistry and two semesters of biology, and I managed to do quite well.

After this was all over my mother, quite intelligently, told me that, hey, you should probably take the CLEP test for those classes, because you took college classes and you got nothing out of it. I kind of ignored her, because oh! Studying for the test! So much work.

So I didn’t take them. And now I hate myself. My God. I had nothing going on. I was SIXTEEN. What, was CSI too pressing that week? All I had to do was show up and take the damn test and I could have gotten college credit for science, and I wouldn’t be in the sucking hole of evil that is Chemistry 106.

Honestly. Today I considered pregnancy as a way to get out of the lab. It was a dark moment, but Grandpa’s dead now and can’t help me when I don’t know what the difference is between fission and fusion and, more importantly, why do I care?

Although he probably wouldn’t be too pleased with me whoring around to get out of a class. I’m guessing.

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