I still want an iPhone.

I had bad luck with alarm clocks. They tended to not actually alarm. This is a bad thing. I don’t think I’ve ever actually missed anything, mostly because I’m pretty sure during my teenage years I didn’t have anything to get up for (oh, wait, except that 7:00 AM Latin class with the Lutheran seminarians. Yeah. Great time for a 17-year-old Catholic girl. I was made to feel inferior and way more interesting than any of them at the same time!), but I dislike waking up in a panic because you know you should have been up an hour ago.

So when I got an iPod a few years ago, I got an iHome alarm clock base. It was lovely. It had the cute little docking station, because only plebeians recharge their iPods on the computer, pssh. It had a graduated alarm, the first beeping just lightly rustling you from slumber before getting really obnoxious later. And I could awake to any song I so programmed. (Never mind that I’ve only done this twice in the three years I’ve had it because it turns out that it’s a hell of a lot easier to sleep through Josh Groban than incessant wailing ala a fire alarm.) It even has a little daylight savings time switch, so I don’t even have to burden my pointer finger spinning the dial an hour forward or back.

(It also cost enough that it by rights should wake me with coffee and a muffin and maybe Johnny Depp telling me how much he likes watching me sleep…whatever, it was a gift.)

One teensy weensy little baby problem. After an hour of hitting the snooze button, the alarm just resets.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. What the hell are you doing hitting the snooze button for an hour? Okay. A normal person might not do that. But I’m hardly normal. (Stop laughing.) I have a ton of stuff to theoretically do in the morning, and so I am supposed to get up at 4:30 during the week. This allows me to do laundry, clean the house, unload the dishwasher, do Pilates, and maybe even comb my hair before leaving with the Artist Formerly Known as the Boy at 7:10 7:00 (there was some issue with clarification this morning.) I know, right? Exciting.

Anyhoodles, this works about half the time usually. The other two days I end up cracking my eyes open at 4:30 and deciding hell, I’m single. Why shouldn’t I be fat too? The frick would convince me to get on a treadmill at this hour? So I hit the snooze until a more appropriate hour like 5:30, which would still give me time to get the laundry in (it waits for no one.)

Except Apple decided that if I didn’t want to get up at 4:30, apparently I don’t want to get up at all. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I’ve been hitting the snooze button for an hour? I really, really need to be awake. Like, maybe the alarm clock could get up and maybe throw something heavy at my head or something. The whole point of the snooze button is that you can hit it while you’re still kind of asleep, and certainly not counting the number of times it has buzzed.

You dropped the ball on this one, Steves Jobs and Wozniak.

But I still really want an iPhone.

Because you obviously need more Facebook status updates.

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