Facebook Statuses I Would Have Had Today If I Had an iPhone.

But I don’t. So I just texted them to myself. Along with a grocery list, a list of things we still have to finish tomorrow, and a reminder to sew up the back of my dress.

Kathleen’s hair is disgusting. 9:30 AM.

Kathleen is buying cheese (what the hell?) 10:25 AM.

Kathleen spends so much time hanging out in the church parking lot waiting for John that maybe she should convert. 10:45 AM.

Kathleen you want to know what’s funny? Watching a grumbling girl individually ring up 15 different moving boxes because Home Depot’s self check-out setup SUCKS. That’s what. 11:15 AM.

Kathleen wonders why Miley Cyrus has been on the radio three times already this morning. And more importantly, why her song is growing on her? 11:23 AM

Kathleen is laughing because a guy just walked past in short shorts. Ahahaha. 11:25 AM.

Kathleen the message on a sign outside a church near my house: The Bread of Life never gets stale. Oh, come on. It’s the Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ Sunday. That’s borderline disrespectful. 11:31 AM.

Kathleen gets to cut the grass. Oooh. Never done this before. Exciting! 11:35 AM.

Kathleen okay, this is harder than it looks. 12:10 PM.

Kathleen thinks that, since she has never mowed the lawn before, it would have been nice if someone had mentioned that it required a sports bra. Ouch. 12:45 PM.

Kathleen thinks that she can forget asking for a letter of recommendation from the neighbor, because she just sprayed lawn clippings all over their driveway. 12:53 PM.

Kathleen wow, my already filthy hair looks really pretty after cutting the grass for an hour. 12:55 PM.

Kathleen- this so counts as my daily Pilates. 12:59 PM.

Kathleen can confidently rule out lawn service as a possible career option. 1:05 PM.

Kathleen is attempting to see God in everyone. 2:00 PM.

Kathleen oh, thank God, Mike’s hard lemonade. 5:00 PM.

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