Meet Heloise.

A little over a month ago, I got Heloise the iPhone. Heloise did not have a proper name at first- she was just the iPhone. The savior. The promised one. That thing you won’t put down my Lord do you love it more than you will love your children?

We were ridiculously happy together. She allowed me to update my Facebook status FROM PLACES WITHOUT A COMPUTER Y’ALL. I loved her…well, more than I’ll probably love my children.

Then, she broke. She stopped playing songs. She started playing songs again, sometimes when I didn’t even ask her to and really, really wanted her to be quiet. She would not play songs in order, which made my addiction to listening to The Phantom of the Opera in sequence very difficult. Then her screen cracked for no reason at all while I was asleep across the house. I still don’t know what that was all about.

I thought wait, maybe she’s feeling neglected. I should name her! We name everything. My sister has Elmer the Backpack, my brother has Gary the Guitar (I think his other guitar is named Ed or something equally unimaginative.) Clearly, she needed a name.

So she became Heloise. Because ever since that morning in 204 when we discussed it, the Heloise and Abelard story has been my favorite historical tale. Ever. Three year later, thinking about my TA saying, “He became a monk. Obviously.” still makes me laugh.

And lo! Once she had a name and the Guy at Genius Bar Whose Name I’m Forgetting told me how to not import corrupted files onto her, she was fixed! Yay!

For a good twenty four hours.

Then…not so much.

So we trooped back to the Genius Bar, where there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Mostly coming from Jason, the Genius, who had no idea what the frick I was talking about or how to fix it or why Heloise was suddenly possessed by demons.

I don’t know either, Jason, I don’t know either.

So Jason looked at Heloise. And looked at me. And said, “Yeah. I’m just going to swap this out. Sign this please?”

Heloise will now be spending eternity somewhere in Apple Store Land, where she can begin playing my hideous playlists at random and annoying all the other bad little iPhones who end up there.

Meanwhile, I have Heloise 2.0. She seems to be doing okay. But there’s really no way to tell for a few days and so help me God, she had better still be doing okay. I even bought her new headphones because I was getting downright superstitious about anything having to do with Heloise 1.0.

So. We’ll see how this goes. I may have to slaughter a few goats to keep her placated.

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