But no. “Study Day” looks better on the university calendar.
You know what doesn’t look good on the calendar? The fact that “Final Exams” runs through the 22nd. And I have two exams on the 22nd. And I’m not one of those people who can do anything other than exams during exams. So there will be no cleaning, no cookies, and no Christmas joy until the morning of the 23rd. Because during exam week I am so preoccupied with the fact that I am once again thisclose to a 4.0, and there’s another end of a semester, and God, I’m crying a lot. Which I think is a little bit cruel, UWM. For the thousands I
will be paying off until I die pay you, you’d think you could give me longer that 48 hours to prepare for the birth of the Lord.
So. I figured I’d try this whole updating thing earlier in the day. Because the whole nighttime thing? Not working. I fell asleep at nine o’clock last night. It was pretty embarrassing. Anyway, it’s 10 o’clock right now, I’ve been subsisting on coffee for a few days, and I have nowhere to be. This is a strange feeling for ten o’clock on a Tuesday morning. I should be in class. What class would I be in…oh, Jewish Wisconsin. Aww. I loved that class. I want to be in that class right now.
Which brings us to our real point. That I’m a crazy person.
It may not be in the same flamboyant way that other people are. I don’t need medication, and I don’t go to therapy (Although I a huge supporter of counseling. Seriously. The more the better. I’ve seen what happens when you don’t go, and I’ve seen how much it can help somebody when you do.), but I tend to have quiet little nervous breakdowns when I get stressed. Again- quiet. Very self-contained. I don’t mean to say that what I go through is anywhere near what people who have major nervous breakdowns or panic attacks do, but it’s there.
Like the end of last semester. The post I wrote about it is one of my favorites, possibly because I manage to foreshadow my future Jewish Studies degree (I literally did not have any idea I was going to do that) and get a virgin birth quip in there. And it’s true- I didn’t handle the end of last semester well. I was very upset- more upset than I should have been. And I know that it’s related to stress and exhaustion, because I had similar feelings during the whole Grandpa’s house thing last year.
Like when I found out my mom probably had cancer again and I completely lost it in front of an electrician and my cousin’s roommate.
I know what you’re thinking- um, you just found out your mom had cancer. That’s probably a good reason to be upset.
And yeah, it is. Except, and I don’t want to seem callous, but I’ve done this before. I’ve gotten that phone call, several times, and I’ve never lost it like I did that day. I was just at the end of my rope.
(Incidentally, that was also finals week. Yeah. Good times.)
So this whole post really had a point, I promise. And it was to serve as an early warning system- watch out for next semester. Because it’s not going to be pretty?
I can’t really tell you how not-pretty it’s going to be. Because I can’t think about it. Like, I’m in complete denial. I think about graduation in some kind of abstract quality, but never like it’s actually going to happen. That would require acknowledging that in approximately 22 weeks I won’t be an undergraduate at UWM anymore. And I can’t deal with that. The though crosses my mind, I want to cry, and then I ignore it.
So. Denial and the crazy. Not good.