I have entirely too much time on my hands.

Scene: Kathleen’s bedroom. 4:30 am.

Alarm: *goes off*

Good Kathleen: GOOD MORNING!!!

Bad Kathleen: Do not even start with me. *hits snooze*

4:40 am

Alarm: *goes off*


BK: I will cut you. *hits snooze*


Alarm: *goes off*

GK: Um…hi? I don’t want to be rude, but we really need to get up now.

BK: Umfh.

GK: What was that? Was that, “of course, let me just turn on the light”?

BK: No. It was “it’s warm and cozy and snuggly in here and I’m not leaving.”

GK: Oh, fiddlesticks! We have things to do! And if you don’t get up this second, there won’t be enough time to do them!

BK: What could we possibly have to do at five am? Surely Johnny Depp did not decide to propose last night and is waiting in the driveway as we speak?

GK: No…I don’t think so. And why would we want that? He smokes. And is probably a bad influence.

BK: You are so dumb.

GK: Anyway, we need to skedaddle.

BK: No, we don’t. It’s cold. And we’re on winter break. Surely illegal episodes of Doctor Who can be watched at ten o’clock.

GK: We need to exercise!

BK: I don’t like that.

GK: You like our clothes don’t you?

BK: I’ll buy new clothes.

GK: Not with our credit card, you won’t.

BK: Whatever. That can be done later.

GK: No! We have important actually-leave-the-house things to do today!

BK: Like what? Again, illegal episodes on my laptop. Hell, we don’t even need to shower.

GK: We have to go to UWM and make copies! Lots and lots of copies! And since we have to do that, we’re going to Mass too!

BK: Oh, great joy. Can’t you find a parish that’s within the same frickin’ county as us? And copies? Why the hell would I want to do that? I don’t like going to campus in the snow. There’s a snow emergency. We’ll have to pay for parking. And also it’s REALLY COLD OUTSIDE THIS BED SO LEAVE ME ALONE.

GK: Listen, missy. You know what you do like? Paying our bills. And going to Starbucks. And buying clothes that only fit because I make us work out. How are you supposed to do that if WE DON’T GO TO OUR JOB???

BK: But those women in the departmental office scare me. They’re always asking if we’re married or engaged.

GK: They should scare you. They’re alone and bitter and angry and I will die before I let us turn into an archetypal female academic with ovaries as dry as books.

BK: I can’t hear you over the warm snuggliness.

GK: Look. If you get up and work out and let us get going, I’ll let you unlock the door to the office that isn’t ours but we have a key to so it’s kind of like ours, okay?

BK: You will?

GK: Yes, Bad Kathleen. I know how much you like that.

BK: I really do. *pause* Do I have to wash our hair?

GK: No. But you do have to shower.

BK: Can we get Starbucks?

GK: No.

BK: Why?

GK: Because I am also our voice of fiscal responsibility.

BK: Fine. But I’m not wearing heels.

GK: Yes, you certainly are, young lady. Where would we be without me?

BK: We’d be a lot more well-rested.

GK: I am so not being paid enough for this.

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