The last few weeks I’ve been really, really sick in the mornings. Not just, ew, I kind of feel gross. Because that’s pretty much par for the course. I get up at 4:30. There’s no way to feel except kind of gross at 4:30 in the morning. No, this is like, wow, I need to sit down kind of nausea.
It perplexed me. I mean, it definitely wasn’t pregnancy. People rarely mention me in the same sentence as the Blessed Mother unless there’s an “isn’t anything like” in between us. But maybe a phantom pregnancy like on CSI? Can the CSI people come investigate? Please?
Well, I couldn’t let that opportunity go, so I decided to try to figure out what was causing it.
I’m fairly intelligent. I’m 22, I’m graduating with honors and get a whole special ceremony for that, I’m started graduate school in the fall. You’d probably think someone who convinces a university department to pay her would call her doctor.
Pssh. I don’t have a doctor.
My doctor started offering botox injections and charging me a $3,700 stipend (on top of insurance co-pays) for the privilege of yearly gynecological exams.
Oh. And she tried to massage away my mom’s cancer.
I decided that me and my gynecological needs could go somewhere that wasn’t beginning to look like the set from the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Except…I kind of haven’t. It’s been, like, a long time and ugh, just like so much work trying to make an appointment and…you know what? I don’t need to justify myself to you, internets. I have been BUSY. With THINGS. IMPORTANT THINGS.
Like Doctor Who episodes. VERY IMPORTANT THINGS.
So. It was the internet or nothing. But not even WebMD.
Nope. I turned to answers.yahoo.com. Oh yeah. My parents are so thrilled they poured all that money into tuition now.
And according to Shauna1593 from Poughkeepsie, my unbelievably awful morning sickness is probably not due to anything weird like a phantom pregnancy but a reaction to a multivitamin.
So. I guess CSI isn’t coming.