Okay. Attention, people of roughly my age. It has recently come to my attention that you have, like, negative idea of how to dress. In most cases you can put on sufficient items of clothing,(sometimes too many, and we’ll get to that later) but they are almost entirely not appropriate.
So. For instance. You get an invitation to the honors convocation. It very, very clearly states appropriate dress is business casual. About a quarter of you got it right. Most of the business school. A few architecture majors. About half of Letters and Sciences (I sincerely hope I was in that half.) The rest of you? Notsomuch.
So. A few things.
-Real fabrics. They’re awesome. Wear them.
-Anything from the Kohl’s junior department is not business casual. I don’t care if it’s a neutral fabric. It’s not. No. I promise. Don’t argue with me. You end up looking like you’re going to family court to attempt regain custody from your mom because this Miley Cyrus blazer says “I’m totally clean now.”
-Dressier is better. Skirts are okay. I’m a big fan of skirts. They automatically make you look more put-together, even if they’re cheap.
-And you need a lot of help in that department.
-I get that it’s May and you were probably going for something spring-like and floaty. However. It’s also approximately 35 degrees outside. So. You attempted to…layer?…the floaty-ness. And, um, it didn’t work. Also. Floaty tube tops? ARE NOT BUSINESS CASUAL.
-Boys. Facial hair. Get rid of it unless you possess enough testosterone to cover the lower part of your face. And then get rid of it. Because it probably looks horrible.
-Girls. Same thing.
-Your breasts? Did not maintain a 3.5 GPA over at least 40 upper level credits. Therefore, they are not invited to the gathering. Please keep them under a sweater.
-Another helpful use for the sweater? Covering that weird armpit fat that everyone, even skinny people, possess. Trust me on this one.
-Again, I cannot stress this enough- DO NOT GO TO THE JUNIORS DEPARTMENT. I love the juniors department. Nowhere else can you find jeans that don’t have a 18-inch rise and relatively cute t-shirts for $6. But unless getting sunburned and/or wasted is on the agenda, please go to misses. Like the adult you (presumably) are.
-The point of makeup is to make you look like a more polished version of yourself. Not make us believe that you somehow took a vacation during finals week and got a wicked tan that made (just) your face eight shades darker than the rest of your body. We’re honor students, remember?
-Same goes for your peroxide hair. It should at least slightly resemble a color found in nature.
-I’m looking at you, Peck School of the Arts.
Thank you, and have a pleasant day. I’ll be looking to see how much you learned on Sunday.