Sometimes I forget that my mom reads this when I make ovulation jokes.

Emmy nominations were released this morning. When I was about fifteen, sixteen, this would have been a national holiday. I was the most annoyingly pretentious teenager you could imagine when it came to award shows- at one point I handicapped the Oscars.

But…then I came to the realization that I watch complete crap on TV, and therefore it doesn’t make much sense to care about awards because they’re probably not going to give them to The Nanny reruns on Nick at Nite.

(I’m like 98% sure that The Nanny is the reason I majored in Jewish Studies.)

(I should probably cash that awards check quickly.)

But, Kathleen! That’s not true! You watch all sorts of acclaimed shows that are nominated! Like Lost! And Mad Men! And Modern Family!

Well, okay. True. Sort of. I’m working my way through Lost on DVD because I stopped watching because they went up against CSI:NY, aka The Crappiest Show In the World But Dammit If I Don’t Own All Five Seasons on DVD.

Mad Men…well, I really like that Christina Hendricks is kind of chubby and still considered a sex symbol. It makes me feel better about single-handedly devouring almost all of the dozen chocolate cheesecake cupcakes that Katie left here on Tuesday.


Also, John Hamm was genetically engineered by God to make women spontaneously ovulate.

(If Matthew Fox doesn’t do it.)

And Modern Family? Um…I kind of haven’t seen any more than five minutes during commercial breaks because…it’s up against Criminal Minds?

The only remotely cool show I watch and love is How I Met Your Mother, and I am TOTALLY CLAIMING THAT ONE because I watched it when it was THISCLOSE to getting cancelled SO IT’S MINE LOSERS.

(Okay. Maybe I’m still a little bit annoying.)

Anyway, now that I’m okay with my crappy crappy taste in television, my dream Emmy scenario would involve the cast of 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom (Dr. Drew can come too), Hotch from Criminal Minds, the entire original cast of CSI:NY just hanging around. Psych would win everything. Boston Legal would be resurrected. And Danielle from Real Housewives of New Jersey would show up and talk about how she’s a devout Catholic and so involved and wow! The fact that you taped your phone sex and aired it on Bravo must make parish council wicked awkward now, huh?

Oh, and Stephen Colbert would host.

Now. If you’ll excuse me this computer sitting on my lap is making me ridiculously hot, and the first Harry Potter movie is on.


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