How to: Survive a Year

This morning I logged onto WordPress and one of their featured stories was “How To: Paint Kitchen Cabinets.”

And…I started to hyperventilate a little because the painting! You said I was finished with the painting! DID YOU LIE TO ME??? Oh. Sorry. You meant…this doesn’t actually have anything to do with me. People do actually paint their cabinets without death, tears, or cancer.


After I finished breathing into a paper bag, I began to think of what my “How To: Paint Kitchen Cabinets” post would go. Probably along the lines of this.

1.) Have a loved one die. A loved one whose cabinets need painting.

2.) Freak out about that.

3.) Take cabinet doors off and set up in open area to paint.

4.) Paint cabinet doors quickly, because you’re trying to minimize the tearfulness.

5.) Ignore drips of paint all over the cabinet doors.

6.) Realize you’ve managed to paint most of the carpet fibers into the doors, thus making them…fuzzy.

7.) Swear.

8.) Cry.

9.) Sand and repeat.

10.) Stare in horror at the bright pink insides of the cabinet.

11.) Tearfully call friends from the end of the driveway requesting help or booze or possibly both.

(The end of the driveway thing is really only because I don’t get service in the house. But it adds to the desperate air if you do it.)

12.) Buy what you think is latex paint.

13.) Give what you think is latex paint to friend to paint the inside of the cabinets with.

14.) Realize you’ve actually purchased oil paint.

15.) Feel nauseous. Literally.

16.) Take pictures of friend’s hair. Filled with oil paint.

17.) Post on Facebook.

18.) Put shelves back in the cabinets.

19.) Realize you have an extra shelf.  For no reason.

20.) Shove that extra shelf that spontaneously generated into the basement. Shh.

21.) Attempt to put the doors back on the cabinets. Realize they don’t fit.

22.) Freak out about that.

23.) Get cancer.

24.) Freak out about that.

(You may skip 23 and 24 if you are not looking to completely destroy your life. But again, it really does add to the whole situation.)

25.) Hire guy to put the cabinet doors back on.

26.) Wander around the house muttering to yourself for hours about how the guy is taking too damn long.

27.) Pay guy inordinate amounts of money to hang the doors.

28.) Freak out some more.

29.) Make out with the doors a little bit because you’re so happy they’re finished.

30.) Post the pictures on Facebook.

31.) Rent the house, which regrettably includes MY CABINETS.

32.) Freak out a little bit about that.

33.) Develop a disturbing dependence on the jugs of Carlo Rossi white zinfandel.

That was home repair with Kathleen- only thirty-three steps to emotional turmoil!


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