Things I Learned At Orientation This Week:

1.) There may be old people in my classes. This will be deeply distressing to me. Pssh. Please. I was a Jewish Studies major. Call me when I need to use the paddles.

2.) I am not allowed to date the students.

3.) If I simply must date the students, I must give them an A so they don’t get mad and sue.

4.) The sexual harassment lady married a student. I’m pretty sure.

5.) School shootings are becoming more common. Great. Thanks for that! Because I was just worried about them pointing judgemental blank stares at me.

6.) Why are there like three girls who look like girls here?

7.) I’m pretty sure the graduate student union tried to poison me with salmonella-laced fruit. Because I got really sick that afternoon.

8.) I’m just saying. Maybe they know I’m a Republican.

9.) I shouldn’t have freaked out about graduation. Because…this is kind of exactly the same. My mom tried to make me feel better by saying, “No! It was a change! It was a big deal!”

Uh. No. I’m just crazy.

10.) The students are going to become creepily obsessed with each and every one of us and probably try to kill us.

11.) Except the nice ones!

12.) And they’re almost all nice ones!

13.) Except the crazies.

14.) Hardly any of those.

15.) No. Seriously. Run for help.

16.) We are not paying you enough to get killed.

17.) This is really not so great a job that you should get killed in your office by a crazy person while we’re paying you so little that you have to shop at Wal-Mart for feminine hygiene products.

18.) It is possible to screw up a sanitary napkin.

(I learned that from Wal-Mart. Not orientation.)

(This was news to me. I mean, they always seemed fairly straightforward from an engineering perspective.)

(Turns out no. You really do  need to go name-brand.)

19.) I’m awesome! Seriously! Cream of the crop! Only the best are offered this position! You’re going to be great!

20.) I suck and am probably going to fail at this.

21.) I’m never going to have a job.

22.) I was too tired from the emotional manipulation to write this last night when I wanted to.

Irish Fest and Sexual Harassment Tips

Okay. So they tell you not to do your BA and MA (and certainly not your PhD) at the same school because, well, presumably if you’re going to be admitted to the cushy intellectual life you should be able to convince more than one person that you’re not a drooling fool.

My point is that while I may never be hired and live with my parents until I die, there are advantages to staying at the same school. Like I know where the hidden ladies rooms, a valuable skill when they turn 130 women loose for five minutes every three hours. And I know where to escape while everyone else gets herded into lunch. Yeah, like hell I’m eating your union sponsored lunch, UWM. I’m blogging and watching Inspector Lynley on Netflix. (ZOMG BILL NIGHY GUEST STAR! AND THAT KID! THAT KID FROM HISTORY BOYS!)


Also? The only thing I got from the sexual harassment talk was that if you’re going to allow yourself to be manipulated and screw (sometimes literally) with a student, you’d better go all the way and give them an A. Because otherwise those sluts get mad. And vindictive. And we don’t want that. I look forward to the afternoon session.

So! Irish Fest! Was kind of amazing. Friday night I got stuck in a tent in a thunderstorm and there was screaming and breaking glass and apparently my mom was in another tent royally freaking out and screaming (oh yes, screaming) “My babies are in there! Is it a tornado?”

Some poor woman had to talk her off a ledge.

(It’s nice to be loved.)

Sunday was Mass- lovely. I mean, not Dolan-lovely (the general standard by which all Irish Fest Masses are judged). We stayed for the whole day, which I think was probably a bad idea in the long run even though I had an amazing time.

The snarling this morning when I realized that I had to drive to campus by eight o’clock on four hours of sleep? That’s the part that probably was a bad idea.

But, you know, the whole please don’t mess with the kids because they will mess with you part was kind of worth it.