I don’t know if there’s a cable for that.

You know what I’d really like? If my mind could just hook up to my planner. That would be great. My planner is awesome. It’s organized and awesome and color-coordinated and awesome and DUDE THAT IS SO NOT LIKE MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW.

My brain is more like, “Oh, you forgot to refill that prescription don’t forget your I-9 form for Anita and you have that thing on hold at the library and you need to go to the printer on Oakland but maybe you should call first because if the book isn’t printed yet that’s really just a dumb idea seriously e-mail that guy back you need to set up that appointment oh my gosh, passport! Don’t forget your passport for the I-9 did I put that in my purse really I don’t think I did now, is this actually the final draft of your syllabus because I just thought of something else you should tell them write it down write it down in a different color so you’ll see it school starts WHEN Holy Mother of God is it a billion degrees in here?

Honestly. I created a folder in my e-mail that’s titled “DEAL WITH.” And it’s full. And my brain isn’t working fast enough or clearly enough to actually answer any of them.

Apparently accomplishing half of your To Do list before you leave the house at 7:20 is awesome! Until you crash around 4:3o and then do nothing else. FOR THE WHOLE DAY.

I think I’m calling it a night.

Oh, wait. Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion just came on. Screw that. All of a sudden I’m all raring to go.

It’s like E! But I’m not getting paid.

Hmmm…I don’t think I’ve ever liveblogged an awards show whilst vaguely sober. Emotional growth? Well, I did just have an inappropriate reaction to Jon Hamm during dinner so…eh, probably not.

7:00- Glee opening. ZOMG I CAN’T EVEN TALK ABOUT HOW EXCITING I FIND THIS.

7:02- I changed my mind, I can talk about it. The day I meet my first child will not be this awesome.

7:07- Pan to Coco as Jimmy Fallon says, “NBC asking the host of Late Night to come to LA to host a different show…what could go wrong? Too soon?” Classy, guys.

7:11- Will Jon Hamm take this presenting opportunity to proclaim his love for me? Apparently not. I lose to Betty White. Again.

7:14- Eric Stonestreet is officially my hero.

7:17- Commercial break. I begin to realize that replying to e-mails from professors while watching the Emmys and eating brownie sundaes and drinking heavily is perhaps not the greatest idea. Well. I’ll make a name for myself in the department.

7:23- Stephen Colbert. Now I don’t know who to fangirl. I mean, Stephen Colbert has that Irish-American middle-aged family guy thing that I ridiculously find attractive. But Jon Hamm is pretty much, you know, JON HAMM.

7:37- George Clooney/Modern Family mash-up. Question. Is there anything that George Clooney can’t do?

7:38- Major upset- Jim Parsons! I FRICKIN’ LOVE JIM PARSONS!!!

7:45- Edie Falco wins best actress in a comedy. Sure. the ONE woman in the comedy category that I didn’t want to win. “I’m not funny!” At least we agree, Edie.

7:50- Eh. Reality TV. Booring. I didn’t watch it on TV the first time, I don’t care about it this time. Perfect time to go get another brownie sundae.

8:00- Drama recap that includes Criminal Minds and ended with the finale of Lost. And I’m crying like a little girl.

8:02- Mad Men writers win. Now, I love Mad Men. But over Lost? The hell?

8:03- Mad Men writer is not wearing a bra. UNACCEPTABLE, LADY.

8:04- WHY IS LOST LOSING EVERYTHING??? Not even Benry, man? COME ON.

8:06- Commercial break. Okay. Emmys. We need to have a talk. You were doing okay for awhile there at the beginning- Glee cleaned up and Jon Hamm presented and there were Modern Family jokes and I was TOTALLY ON BOARD. But…now we’re into drama. And you are completely giving Lost the shaft and I’m sorry, are you new here? LOST IS AWESOME. I’m pretty sure God Himself watched TV that hour every week. So please pull it together. Love, Kathleen.

P.S. This third brownie is making me feel ill.

8:10- EMILY DESCHENAL AND NATHAN FILLION. I JUST DIED.

8:10:30- Oh, Emily. Bangs?

8:11- Some Indian chick won best supporting actress over Christina Hendricks? NO. NO. NO. I need another brownie to console myself. I think Christina would approve.

8:13- Okay. Lead Actor in Drama. You have a chance to pull it out, Emmy.

8:13:30- Seriously. That guy? That guy from Breaking Bad? YOU’RE KILLING ME EMMY.

8:21- OH MY GOODNESS ANN-MARGARET IS OLD.

8:23- “Musical tribute” to the dead shows. I’m dying. DYING. (Ironic, given the song choice of “Candle in the Wind.”)

8:26- “The Island, it was mythical and in the end they died. I didn’t understand it but I tried.” Bahahahaha. Okay. You just redeemed yourself a little bit. A little.

8:32- Kyra Sedgewick just won based entirely on her proximity to Kevin Bacon.

8:42- An hour and forty-two minutes in and I’m ready to go to bed. I’m too old for this.

8:47- “[Mel Gibson’s] been through a lot. Not as much as the Jews…” I. Love. You. Ricky. Gervais.

9:07- January Jones. We meet again.

9:11- Jimmy Smits has a new show? I love Jimmy Smits. I always forget whom I’ve shared this information with. I tend to be drunk when I’m talking about it.

9:16- David Straithairn is rambling about…teachers? I don’t know. I need more wine.

9:17- Am I the only one who thinks it’s insensitive do to the Dead People Montage to a song about a dead person?

Also, I always forget all these people died and then I get sad all over again.

9:25- Blair Underwood! We saw him! At Disney World!

9:34- “These next performers really suck. From True Blood…” Two and a half hours before the first vampire pun. What. Up.

9:38- This just in- Al Pacino is dating a  12-year-old. And I’m pretty sure he’s high.

9:42- Al Pacino could murder a cat onstage at an awards show and no one would play him off.

9:51- Lost lost. Again. I hate the world.

9:54- I have to throw up. Just a little.

9:56- GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE. Come on, Emmys.

9:57. NOOOOOOOOOO.*

9:57:30- Screw you and your little dog, too, Emmy. I’m going to bed.

*And by NOOOOOOO I mean, “I really enjoy Modern Family and think it’s awesome but Glee is WAY better omg.”

They know me so well.

My big project for yesterday* was to write my syllabus. And by “write” I mean dig out old discussion syllabi from various classes I’ve taken and steal paragraphs that I like and then go to H&M and buy a dress.**

After I finished it I gave it to various family members to proofread, because I was a little bit worried that I forgot to change things and my poor history students would wonder why I was talking about how discussion was going to work for Journalism 101.

Their responses-

My mom: Oh! My baby is all grown up!

Colleen: You can’t call them disabled. I prefer “students who require accommodations.”

John: You know there’s going to be no living with her after this, right?

Eh. It’s true.

*Other than freaking out about school. That’s kind of an ongoing thing.

**It’s pretty. Don’t judge.

Things I Learned At Orientation This Week:

1.) There may be old people in my classes. This will be deeply distressing to me. Pssh. Please. I was a Jewish Studies major. Call me when I need to use the paddles.

2.) I am not allowed to date the students.

3.) If I simply must date the students, I must give them an A so they don’t get mad and sue.

4.) The sexual harassment lady married a student. I’m pretty sure.

5.) School shootings are becoming more common. Great. Thanks for that! Because I was just worried about them pointing judgemental blank stares at me.

6.) Why are there like three girls who look like girls here?

7.) I’m pretty sure the graduate student union tried to poison me with salmonella-laced fruit. Because I got really sick that afternoon.

8.) I’m just saying. Maybe they know I’m a Republican.

9.) I shouldn’t have freaked out about graduation. Because…this is kind of exactly the same. My mom tried to make me feel better by saying, “No! It was a change! It was a big deal!”

Uh. No. I’m just crazy.

10.) The students are going to become creepily obsessed with each and every one of us and probably try to kill us.

11.) Except the nice ones!

12.) And they’re almost all nice ones!

13.) Except the crazies.

14.) Hardly any of those.

15.) No. Seriously. Run for help.

16.) We are not paying you enough to get killed.

17.) This is really not so great a job that you should get killed in your office by a crazy person while we’re paying you so little that you have to shop at Wal-Mart for feminine hygiene products.

18.) It is possible to screw up a sanitary napkin.

(I learned that from Wal-Mart. Not orientation.)

(This was news to me. I mean, they always seemed fairly straightforward from an engineering perspective.)

(Turns out no. You really do  need to go name-brand.)

19.) I’m awesome! Seriously! Cream of the crop! Only the best are offered this position! You’re going to be great!

20.) I suck and am probably going to fail at this.

21.) I’m never going to have a job.

22.) I was too tired from the emotional manipulation to write this last night when I wanted to.

There had better not be water on my totally awesome binder.

There are some things in this world that I really, really love. My parents. My brother and sister. (Some of) my friends. My North and South DVDs.

Also pretty high on this list is my washing machine. Oh, do I love that washing machine. So so much.

So of course which appliance breaks all the time? Yep. Obviously. Tonight it flooded the basement too! I know, right? AWESOME.

Now. I’ve been told it’s not actually the washing machine’s fault. But…I was also told not to touch it until it can be fixed. So…I’m going to blame the washing machine.

In other news, I set up my binder for 102 today and it’s pretty and awesome and organized and…in the basement. So…I’m going to go move it. Now.

Irish Fest and Sexual Harassment Tips

Okay. So they tell you not to do your BA and MA (and certainly not your PhD) at the same school because, well, presumably if you’re going to be admitted to the cushy intellectual life you should be able to convince more than one person that you’re not a drooling fool.

My point is that while I may never be hired and live with my parents until I die, there are advantages to staying at the same school. Like I know where the hidden ladies rooms, a valuable skill when they turn 130 women loose for five minutes every three hours. And I know where to escape while everyone else gets herded into lunch. Yeah, like hell I’m eating your union sponsored lunch, UWM. I’m blogging and watching Inspector Lynley on Netflix. (ZOMG BILL NIGHY GUEST STAR! AND THAT KID! THAT KID FROM HISTORY BOYS!)

(*ahem*)

Also? The only thing I got from the sexual harassment talk was that if you’re going to allow yourself to be manipulated and screw (sometimes literally) with a student, you’d better go all the way and give them an A. Because otherwise those sluts get mad. And vindictive. And we don’t want that. I look forward to the afternoon session.

So! Irish Fest! Was kind of amazing. Friday night I got stuck in a tent in a thunderstorm and there was screaming and breaking glass and apparently my mom was in another tent royally freaking out and screaming (oh yes, screaming) “My babies are in there! Is it a tornado?”

Some poor woman had to talk her off a ledge.

(It’s nice to be loved.)

Sunday was Mass- lovely. I mean, not Dolan-lovely (the general standard by which all Irish Fest Masses are judged). We stayed for the whole day, which I think was probably a bad idea in the long run even though I had an amazing time.

The snarling this morning when I realized that I had to drive to campus by eight o’clock on four hours of sleep? That’s the part that probably was a bad idea.

But, you know, the whole please don’t mess with the kids because they will mess with you part was kind of worth it.

Totally in control.

I’m going back to school in a few weeks and so I’ve been very industrious and gotten all sorts of things in order and am generally being very pulled together.

Or…I watched a lot of stuff on Netflix.

(Today on The Pillars of the Earth- post-coital masonry!)

(Dude. I cannot wait until they do the Borgias!)

(And…I’m going to hell.)

(Also. Rufus Sewell is still attractive.)

(Even with the ridiculous beard.)

(Just thought I’d let you know.)

(I don’t know why I didn’t just write the post about The Pillars of the Earth and leave out the parentheses.)

(But I didn’t.)

Oh, I went shopping too. I know. Shocking. Target now has pea coats.

I don’t need a pea coat.

(Well. I kind of do.)

(But not really.)

I can’t afford a pea coat.

(That part is really true.)

BUT DAMMIT DO I WANT ONE.

I don’t know if I can handle this whole change-in-seasons thing. It could get way too expensive.