You don’t know me.

I dislike dealing with repairmen. Or, repairwomen. Or, indeed, anyone with whom I have to make small talk while explaining something technical and then hang around trying to look like I’m not making sure they’re not stealing anything but am totally making sure they’re not stealing anything.

(“What? No! It’s not you! I just normally spend my Monday afternoons hanging out against this wall in the basement! See, I’ve been meaning to go through this box of Christmas china forever! I forgot you were here!”)

(My father, he of the “They Don’t Need No Explanation” school of tact, dealt with it quite simply once by telling the poor gentleman from Time Warner cable, “Yeah. The last guy who was here stole from us. And so I’m going to stay down here with you.” Awk. Ward.)

Because the ones who come to my house tend to be weird. Like, that one who stole my mom’s purse. That was fun. And when I’m alone I have to pretend like I know what’s going on…and then if they’re weird is really awkward. Like the washing machine guy who kept talking about my underwear.

(Although I really wanted that washing machine fixed.)

So yesterday I had to deal with the plumber. But it wasn’t the normal awkward, because it’s Awesome Plumber Guy who came to my grandpa’s house and made everything okay again. We love him! He has never stolen and frankly we’ve been far more inappropriate in front of him than vice versa.

Because depending on who’s reading this, you may know what we were like during that whole Grandpa’s house thing. And if you don’t, I’ll just tell you it wasn’t pretty. So the awkward was more related to how Awesome Plumber Guy has seen us have breakdowns and cry and swear because apparently whatever neurosurgeon installed the green shag carpeting in the family room wanted to make sure that it NEVER EVER CAME UP EVER and he had to help us pull it up and…whatever. He’s pretty much seen us at our worst.

I mean, some of us may have gotten teary over a sanitary tub. Like, last week.

So he fixed whatever it was that was wrong in our basement (I don’t know. And I explained it to him.), and then came upstairs and said, “So. Can I throw out the old faucet? Or does it have sentimental value.”

Oh HAHAHA, Awesome Plumber Guy. Sure. Laugh at our crazy.

Okay. It was pretty funny.


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