Things I Learned At Orientation This Week:

1.) There may be old people in my classes. This will be deeply distressing to me. Pssh. Please. I was a Jewish Studies major. Call me when I need to use the paddles.

2.) I am not allowed to date the students.

3.) If I simply must date the students, I must give them an A so they don’t get mad and sue.

4.) The sexual harassment lady married a student. I’m pretty sure.

5.) School shootings are becoming more common. Great. Thanks for that! Because I was just worried about them pointing judgemental blank stares at me.

6.) Why are there like three girls who look like girls here?

7.) I’m pretty sure the graduate student union tried to poison me with salmonella-laced fruit. Because I got really sick that afternoon.

8.) I’m just saying. Maybe they know I’m a Republican.

9.) I shouldn’t have freaked out about graduation. Because…this is kind of exactly the same. My mom tried to make me feel better by saying, “No! It was a change! It was a big deal!”

Uh. No. I’m just crazy.

10.) The students are going to become creepily obsessed with each and every one of us and probably try to kill us.

11.) Except the nice ones!

12.) And they’re almost all nice ones!

13.) Except the crazies.

14.) Hardly any of those.

15.) No. Seriously. Run for help.

16.) We are not paying you enough to get killed.

17.) This is really not so great a job that you should get killed in your office by a crazy person while we’re paying you so little that you have to shop at Wal-Mart for feminine hygiene products.

18.) It is possible to screw up a sanitary napkin.

(I learned that from Wal-Mart. Not orientation.)

(This was news to me. I mean, they always seemed fairly straightforward from an engineering perspective.)

(Turns out no. You really do  need to go name-brand.)

19.) I’m awesome! Seriously! Cream of the crop! Only the best are offered this position! You’re going to be great!

20.) I suck and am probably going to fail at this.

21.) I’m never going to have a job.

22.) I was too tired from the emotional manipulation to write this last night when I wanted to.


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