Liveblogging my seminar.

And by “liveblogging” I mean “sentences I scribbled in my notebook because it’s really rude to constantly update your Facebook status in a 15-person class. And since I don’t understand 98% of the sentences that come out of ANYONE’S mouth in that class, I need all the “She looks vaguely interested and halfway intelligent” points I can get. Texting? Shoots those to hell.

SO! This would have been legitimate if the iPhone had an app that allowed my brain to send messages to my Facebook. I’m sure it’s coming. iPhone 5G maybe?

7:01- Oh. My. Lord. This room is suffocating. It’s like it’s built over a portal to hell.

7:02- Seriously. It’s like spring break. But with fewer bikinis and more intellectual thought. Probably as much booze, though.

7:03- Mmm. I would literally kill my own mother for some bourbon during this class.

7:04- That would probably make me go to sleep, though.

7:04:30- Yeah. That’s the point.

7:30- *stares out window*

7:45- Blah blah cultural elite blah blah Irving Babbitt blah…*snore*

7:47- HAHAHA! A girl just used Frasier Crane as a reference for some random point. I want to be her friend.

8:20- Eighty minutes to go. I can do this. I can totally do this. I…*headdesk*

8:45- Is it possible to neuter the obnoxious liberal? I would hate for some poor slut to make a bad, alcohol-fueled life choice that was probably motivated by the need to MAKE HIM SHUT THE FRICK UP and end up with his devil spawn.

8:46- We probably don’t have funding for that.

9:01- 18-minute discussion on the “higher self” according to Babbitt. Yeah. My higher self? WOULD LIKE TO BE SNUGGLY IN BED RIGHT NOW.

9:10- And…now it’s become a two-person discussion between the professor and the obnoxious liberal. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

9:11- Come on, guys. I put on mascara for this. And real shoes. YOU’RE WELCOME, CAMPUS.

9:12- I. Am. Not. Kidding. Shut. The. Hell. Up.

9:15- That’s it. I’m voting for Obama in 2012. This is SO NOT WORTH IT.

9:16- Ooh, the professor voted for Reagan. And Goldwater. Well. No one can be perfect.

9:25- Honestly. Being raped on my way to my car is looking so much better than staying here right now.

Unprecendented Laziness

I’m typing this on my iPhone. Not because I’m out and about, doing exciting things. Please. I was making plans with my sister for her birthday and realized that most of my bar experience involves the sentence, “Yeah, the priest and I had a good time there.”

And I’m not using my phone because I have something totally awesome and funny and amazing to share with you RIGHT NOW. Because I don’t.

Nope. I’m using my phone because I’m too lazy to go into the other room and get my computer. It’s, like, all the way over there. And I’m all the way over here. Wrapped in a blanket. Watching my sister watch Dog the Bounty Hunter because a.) her reactions to this show are funnier than most things I’ve seen and b.) Modern Family isn’t on for fifteen minutes.

(In other news, I’m really glad I’ve never even smoked a cigarette. Because the lighting that TLC uses is really unflattering. And when I get picked up for my inevitable ice addiction, I’d like candles or moonlight, please.)

So! iPhone it is! And since I’m going to all the trouble to basically text this entry, it must be awesome, right?

Well, obviously.

Except…I can’t write about what I want to. I WANT to write about what happened in class today, but I can’t. Because I’d really hate to be fired before I even get paid. (Friday! Whee!)

So this totally awesome story that involves a crazy fundy waving a book in my face is not going on the blog.

I think that’s been my blogging problem this semester. Well, first of all, this semester is kicking my ass. In fact, it’s the bully on the playground who knocked me down first. AND it’s the smaller but more cruel kid who then kicks me after the bully knocks me down. AND it’s the skinny kid who is pointing and laughing because he wants to be a part of the group and is painfully unaware that they will turn on him within a few days. Hell, it’s the whole frickin’ SCHOOL SYSTEM that allows this twisted survival of the fittest scenario to play out- *ahem*

There’s that. But I also can’t write about the funny stuff that happens! I go to school. I teach. I go to bed. Sometimes I nap. If I’m lucky. The priest is a little busy trying to figure out how to be a priest, so my social calendar is pretty empty. I quit the job I used to write about. I mean, nothing gives you blog material like retail.

Except attempting to get college freshmen to understand the political complexities of the Habsburg dynasty.

BUT I CAN’T WRITE ABOUT IT!

Making an effort.

Okay.  Doing this blog thing. Again. I know, right? Two days in a row. Awesome.

So. What should we talk about? Because I’ve got nothing. I mean, we could talk about my obsession with boots and how I had to be literally dragged from Payless whimpering like a three-year-old today.

Or how the Britney Spears episode of Glee that’s on right now is pretty much the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I’m pretty sure if every fantasy I’ve ever had came true all at the same time I’d still be like, eh, it’s really cool that I’m pregnant with Johnny Depp’s baby and just received tenure at Harvard, but baby I’m a slave 4 u, Brit Brit.

Ooh! I know! We can talk about how I set up my kitchen table in my living room and eat at it and sit at it and indeed am writing this on it RIGHT NOW.

That made no sense. Wait, I’ll explain. (I’m not explaining the Johnny Depp obsession.)

I found this amazing kitchen table set about a year ago. It’s beautiful. Like cafe height, four chairs, square table that’s modern but not too modern? Those babies with Johnny Depp? Probably not as much fun as this table.

(Okay. Maybe. So I’ve heard.)

And it would look perfect in Grandpa’s kitchen. Which, if that tenure part of the fantasy works out is totally going ahead. I mean, it couldn’t be at Harvard. And hell, the barefoot-and-impregnated-by-the-Oscar-nominee part would probably pay the mortgage too…

NOT THE POINT. *ahem*

And my parents gave it to me for my birthday!  So we decided to set it up and make sure nothing was missing. Because while this is a kitchen table that was kissed by Jesus, yeah, it came in a box.

Well, we did this on Sunday night. And we were just going to leave it up “for the night” because my dad was too tired to put it away. Okay. Fine. It’s pretty awesome. I didn’t mind.

Well, it’s Tuesday night. Still up. I still don’t mind. In fact, I’ve started bringing all my meals out here and eating them at the table. I do my homework sitting here in the middle of the living room. It’s perfect for laptop work. I don’t want it to leave.

Okay. So maybe it’s a little weird.

Or…maybe I just need to work harder on that tenure thing, like, pronto.
(Or the Johnny Depp thing.)

Ridiculous Decisions I’ve Made Today:

1.) Logging on to WordPress and checking my blog stats.

Ouch. I didn’t know they could be a negative number.

I’ve been busy, okay?

*pause*

I’m sorry, WordPress. I’ll try to do better.

2.) Wearing skinny jeans, a belt, and heeled boots while I’m bloated and disgusting and have a cold and have to walk all over the East Side.

I can’t decide which part of my body I hate the most right now.

3.) Thinking I would get anything at all done once I opened my computer.

Ha.

Haha.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Crazy talk. There’s Facebooking to be done.

4.) The one where I decided going to my class tonight was better than losing my job, my health insurance, and my status as a graduate student.

That was really dumb.

5.) Deciding to get work done in my office. With my office mates. Who probably would be freaked out by my elephant-like honking and disgusting mucus-spewing, thus forcing me to sneeze politely into a tissue like a lady.

6.) Not bringing tissues.

It’s impossible to sneeze politely into a paper towel.

7.) Telling Colleen I watched that West Wing episode where Santos broke the hotel bed.

Because now she texts me “Hurricane Santos” at random intervals throughout the day, completely breaking my train of thought.

8.) Not staying home to watch more West Wing episodes.

9.) Not bringing the textbook with most of my readings in it.

10.) Getting up. At all.

Stay classy, Kentucky.

Oh, internets. I just got back from a whirlwind forty-eight hour jaunt to Kentucky to go to my cousin’s wedding.

It was amazing.

(I mean, it was painful and exhausting and a little bit nauseating because I get sick when I cross out of Milwaukee county, but mostly amazing.)

There were a few embarrassing moments, though. Like when I danced to Aerosmith with my brother (no, actually that was just fun.), or walked through the hotel lobby holding one shoe (I left the other one in the car! I swear!), or lost some part of my outfit (it fell behind the suitcase. Good. Because there was no other explanation for that one.), or danced the macarena.

But I think I’m excluded from that shame because I was a preteen in the late nineties and it was an open bar.

Surely that counts for something.

Anyhoodles. Back in the great white north. Halfway through a fourteen hour day at school.

No, I’m not writing this during my office hours. Of course not. That would be ridiculous and irresponsible.

It’s like the Reformation. But BETTER.

Oh, guys. The pope is in the UK. And my litter history major/comparative religion/whore-for-and-accent self is so ridiculously excited that she can’t even get it together long enough to, like, pack.

Yeah. It’s the pope’s visit. Not, you know, the fact that I’ve had a quiet time alone with my Netflix all of today. Definitely the pope.

(Yeah. I’m leaving for the weekend at 7:30 tomorrow morning and right now will be wearing the outfit I have picked out for tomorrow. All weekend. So…yeah.)

(I’m also leaving for class in like ten minutes, so I’m not sure when that whole packing thing will be resolved.)

(My guess is around 7:20 tomorrow.)

(And there will undoubtedly be tears.)

(And screaming.)

(So much screaming.)

(Also so much with the parentheses)

(I’m finished now.)

(Bye.)

(Seriously! The pope met the Queen Elizabeth!)

(*dies*)

Updates

1.) I’m going to World Youth Day! In Madrid! I’m so excited! Except for that part where it’s apparently like a little bit difficult? And I’m used to creature comforts? But still! I’m excited! And poor!

1a.) Re: That last thing. If anyone would like to a.) purchase a kidney or b.) marry me and add my name to your checking account, I’m totally on board. Because apparently the Pope is EXPENSIVE.

2.) I had a birthday! I’m old! But I have a kitchen table (*swoon*) and that dress with the chains that I wrote about a few days ago and am too lazy to link!

2a.) Re: That last thing, Part the second. That sounded way more bondage-esque than it actually is. I promise. I’m going to see the Pope. S&M isn’t really my thing.

3.) My conservatism class is so annoying it’s turning me into a Democrat.

4.) I have spent the last week carefully monitoring my caffeine consumption. And by “monitoring” I mean “deciding that I am way too busy to deal with not being an addict right now so leave me the hell alone.”

*ahem*

5.) I fixed my Netflix aspect ratio problem. What. Up.

6.) I finished The Pillars of the Earth. There were definite tears. Or definite great heaving sobs. I may have texted my sister even though she was right upstairs. Seriously. Somebody needs to go watch it. Like, now. So we can discuss.

7.) I had my first office hours this week, which was tremendously exciting. Even though it’s a tiny office. Without a window. Or central air. And I have to share it with four people. That’s okay! It’s awesome!

8.) I don’t have an eight.

9.) I’ve been getting sick every single morning. For no reason. You don’t really need to know that. Except it’s annoying me and therefore I feel like I need to write about it.

10.) I’m not sure I have a ten either.

Good night.