I so want to be a wealthy old woman.

I was a Jewish Studies major. At my school, that meant that the classes were full of auditors. Either because they loved the class or *ahem* loved the professor, they were out in force. So I spent most of my undergraduate career surrounded by a haze of White Diamonds and Ben-gay.

And they’re all retired. And wealthy. And do lots of fabulous things. And wealthy. And take fabulous trips. And WEALTHY SERIOUSLY DO YOU GET IT?

Honestly. There were mornings when I hauled my living-with-my-parents-and-working-four-hours-a-weekend-at-Borders butt off the frickin’ bus to class and slumped in a chair.

Only to be greeted by three different conversations around the room all saying, “Oh! I’m so sorry I have to miss Tim’s lecture next week! I’ll be in Gstaad/Lisbon/Hong Kong! You know, I enjoy the experience but I just hate the snow/people/food there!”

Let’s break it down. A.) They’re going someplace fabulous. B.) It’s not good enough. C.) They’re comparing a lecture to a trip to Gstaad. Dude. I love you, but if someone offers me a trip to Chicago I will see you next week, sir.

That happened. A lot.

ANYWAY. Yesterday I was sitting in class* yesterday and the three ladies in front of me were discussing how one of them owns some sort of upscale clothing store.

“Oh! Let me give you my card!”

“Oh! Thank you! I’ll give you my card, but it’s not as fancy!”

*wealthy laughter*

“You should really swing by the shop sometime!”

“I will. Do you do trunk shows!”

“Absolutely!”

“I don’t like colors. Do you have grey?”

“Oh, of course. We’re like town and country, but with a little zip! *to third lady* Wouldn’t you say so?”

“Oh, absolutely.”

(How much money do you need to have in order to say the phrase “town and country but with a little zip”? Because I’m pretty sure my mother the attorney never even approached that.)

“What is your price point?”

(As though it matters.)

“Well, probably like Ellen Tracy…Dana Buchman before she…well!”

(You can say. WENT TO KOHL’S. You know what, lady? Those of us who are actually paying for the class LOVE Kohl’s. So screw you.)

So. Things we learned today.

1.) Rich people don’t use actual numbers. Quelle surprise.

2.) I want to be a rich old lady. So. Bad. Which graduate degree can I get to allow me to do that.

*Because I decided to audit a class this semester. I’m a masochist.

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