I’d like Suze Orman to move in with me.

Here’s a snapshot of my finances…um…I live with my parents. My car loan is more money than I’ve ever seen in one place before. I’d be paid in hugs if it wasn’t against university policy. And my student loans are such that the new chancellor’s contract is probably going to include a clause that says he can do whatever he wants to/with me. (And I have to like it.)

So whenever I watch the Can I Afford it? segment when I’m…oh…I don’t know, avoiding my Bosnia paper, I have this insane fantasy about Suze Orman moving in with me.

I mean, not like that. I like men. And while Suze is lovely and can certainly rock a Coldwater Creek jacket, I just don’t feel that way about you.

But if she could just move in and yell at me before I spend lots of money at Target on ridiculous things like Hanukkah table runners when I emphatically believe in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? That would be convenient.

So that was my main financial responsibility plan. At least until tonight when she told some little girl that she couldn’t buy an American Girl doll because she already had TWO can you believe it and one should be enough and I’m sorry, are you friends with my father?

And yeah…uh…three American Girl dolls. That’s…terrible. Huh. Can you imagine what kind of spoiled capitalist pig has multiple American Girl dolls? Like maybe even more than that? I know, right? DISGUSTING.

Well that ticked me off. Because you can’t deny a little girl an American Girl doll! Because if she gets it then she reads. And then she becomes a history major. And does really well. And gets into graduate school. And becomes a TA. And…oh, look. We’re back at my finances.

So thank you, Mom and Dad, for sacrificing and giving me all the opportunities in the world.

And absolutely no marketable skills.