I don’t need your judgment, Turbo Tax.

I decided I was so jazzed about having to stay sober for the Oscars that I was just going to go all out and make today and awesome day and do my taxes! And file my FAFSA! Because I may not have a job next year so I sure as hell had better have some student loans available!


This is not, in fact, as industrious as it may seem. I use the baby return forms for people with no discernible assets and I even use Turbo Tax because I got fed up with the online forms that refused to download. Whatever, I don’t have time for you, IRS.gov.

But this morning I noticed that Turbo Tax was getting a little judgy. Like, during the little “collecting personal information” part:

Based on the information you’ve provided, we think you should file as SINGLE.

Yeah. I guess.

Just to confirm, you have elected to file as SINGLE.


This means that you are not now, nor were you ever married during 2010.

No, I was not.

In fact, you probably didn’t even date that much and will most likely end up alone.

Wait, what?

You were alone for all of 2010, correct? This is the IRS. You can’t lie.

You don’t have a “happy and very very busy with graduate school” return?



What is your date of birth?


Hmm. Based on the information you’ve provided you’d be an old maid in the Regency Era.

Can we move on?

Fine. Do you (just you, because you don’t have a husband) have any offshore accounts?


Do you (just you) own six homes (not seven)?


Do you (just you) own seven homes?

Still  no.

Did you give money to a Nigerian prince?


Are you a Nigerian prince?


Would you like to marry a Nigerian prince? Because you’re single and filing as such?

No. Really. I’M GOOD THANKS.

Okay. We’ve calculated your final return. Please review before submitting.

“You [make a paltry sum of money], you [live with your parents so you can’t even claim the huge amount of tuition YOU paid as a deduction], you [have no dependents because no one wants to knock you up].”

Yeah. That’s about right.

Congratulations! You will be receiving a refund of [about three cents]! Would you like that in a gift card?

Can it be to H&M?


Then just direct deposit, please.

All right! It will deposited to your (just yours, not your non-existent husband’s) account. Thank you for using Turbo Tax!

Oh, shut up.

Okay. I may a teensy bit sensitive.


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