Honey, I’m good.

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So Buddy was born with laryngomalacia, which is a super hard-to-spell way of saying that his larynx would collapse with every breath he took. Which led to a whole host of not-serious problems like he wouldn’t drink a bottle for more than five seconds, he couldn’t laugh the normal way, and his sleeping sounds were roughly akin to being across the street from an international airport.

Now as a toddler, he’s pretty much fine. He’s technically grown out of it, although between what the doctor told us and what I’ve figured out from observing him, he only eats when he’s distracted enough to relax. Given that his larynx is firm, I think (in all my medical expertise) that he was probably traumatized by feeling like he was drowning as an infant and tenses up, which engages my husband’s gag reflex, and, well, it ends with me doing a lot of laundry and him not consuming a lot of actual food.

So we distract him with videos on our phones while we feed him (please, save your parenting suggestions, unless you want to move in and raise him, I do not care). Because of this, I’ve become incredibly familiar with a whole host of Netflix shows and YouTube videos that catch his interest for three or four days before he starts ignoring them and realizes that we’re actually trying to feed him and then, well, we’re back to laundry.

George of the Jungle 2? The 2003 direct-to-video sequel to the already crappy George of the Jungle starring Brendan Fraser? I can recite it.

Downton Funk? The Downton Abbey parody of Uptown Funk? I’ve memorized the dance moves.

That one weird family’s video Christmas card? I feel like we’re bestest friends.

Our current favorite is Andy Grammer’s Honey, I’m Good. Buddy LOVES the beat. And he likes all the people on the video. And with the exception of one bad word for…ahem…bottom, I can play it with Squeaks around (I mute that part). But that means that I have to listen to it for a good forty-five minutes of my day. And I have a few thoughts.

What, exactly? Is this song supposed to be holding up? Because it sure as hell isn’t an actually good relationship.

We begin with the lyric “Nah nah honey, I’m good/ I could have another but I probably should not/ I got somebody at home and if I stay I might not leave alone.”

Um. Okay.

So. A.) Why are you calling her honey? and-

B.) Are you seriously telling me you cannot be held to a basic standard of monogamy after a drink? Because THIS IS HOW RAPE CULTURE STARTS. By just assuming that men are pigs who cannot control basic human impulses so we have to be in control for them and then your skirt is too short and oh, Lord, let’s not go down this road.

This is backed up by the verse. “Now better men, than me have failed/ Drinking from that unholy grail.”

Seriously. Alcohol (I don’t care how much.) does not give you the right to or an excuse for cheating on your girlfriend/fiancee/wife. Never. I’m not saying don’t be responsible and know your limits, because of course, but THIS IS NOT WORTH SINGING ABOUT.

Then we have “You look good, I will not lie/ But if you ask where I’m staying tonight/ I gotta be like oh, baby, no, baby, you got me all wrong, baby/ My baby’s already got all of my love.

Okay. “Baby” can’t have you that wrong if she even has an inkling that she’s going home with you. Like, for serious. My husband could consume a fifth of whiskey at a bar and I’m pretty certain that while his liver would explode, he would not give any young lady on the premises cause to ask him where he’s staying that night.

So no, baby, she doesn’t have you all wrong.

And. if your baby really has all of your love, why are you out getting all these drinks from these women who think you’re going home with them? What is she doing? Sitting at home decoupaging?

(I ask because that legit sounds like a good night to me.)

Finally, the thing that annoys me most is that the video is all happy couples proclaiming how long they’ve been together. Which, as we saw above, MEANS NOTHING TAKEN IN CONTEXT OF THE LYRICS.

Gah. It irks me. Buddy’s going to have to go back to Downton Funk.

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