Snapshots from Rio: Monday

I went with a lovely boxed wine from Target tonight. In case you were keeping up with the Olympics of my liquor cabinet.

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(Right up there with making mug cakes in terms of my awesome events.)

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In an effort to up the shock value and keep people interested for longer than six seconds (It’s the Snapchat era, you guys. Work with me.), NBC has basically shoved Michael Phelps and Guy that Beat Him in 2012 in the same training area and there was major testosterone comparing and basically they were practically peeing on the walls to claim their territory.

And in this shot, Michael Phelps looks like he’s gonna straight up MURDER this guy. And they haven’t even started swimming yet.

Imma get some popcorn.

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ANGRY SWIMMING.

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Okay so Phelps didn’t win the semi, but he did beat Guy Who Beat Him.

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“What were you thinking when that guy was being ridiculous in front of you?”

“Um. Nothing.”

Really? Really tho? Because I’m pretty sure you were. Just like that lady last night was looking at your Olympic Behind.

Just say  you were thinking about your super hot girlfriend and her patriotic Ergo carrier and the most Olympic infant hip dysplasia ever.

We’d all understand that.

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Okay I missed a little bit because I stopped to watch this awesome video about the nuns who make communion hosts.

I know. It’s a little random. But it was super good.

(I’ve got a kid approaching First Communion. It’s not that weird.)

I think these are girls now? Pretty sure. Honestly, they’re all pretty much built the same.

(And by the same I mean, better than me.)

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Oh look. It’s a bunch of people who gave birth like six minutes ago bouncing around in bikinis and being talented at something. My favorite.

Hang on. Imma get more wine.

And maybe run around the block.

(My husband just said, “They’re so…bronzed.” Yes. Yes dear, they are. But you’re stuck with…freckled.)

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This is how I feel about women’s beach volleyball.

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This is an oddly specific daily schedule for someone whom we don’t know in real life.

Also, hey! I took a nap today too! I’m basically an Olympian.

(Buzz: How are they not covered in sand? Me: Because it just slides off the sexiness.)

Oooh, Walsh Jennings was five weeks pregnant when she won gold oooh pssh whatever. At five weeks pregnant I was ordering a BellaBand on amazon for super fast shipping because none of my clothes fit and discovering how many different places you can puke at your kid’s music class. (A lot. Just FYI.)

Show off.

I could also win a medal in morning sickness. Mug cakes, alcohol, and morning sickness. Guys. I’m kind of a triathlete.

 

 

 

 

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