Snapshots From Rio: Catch Up

Oh guys, I’m back. I know. You missed me.

I was suuuper busy taking keeping my children alive almost entirely by myself because Buzz has had a Super Important Manager Meeting the last few days and had all sorts of Important Manager Things to do like Going Out to Dinner and Taking a River Cruise and Talking About Our Communication Styles and Other Random Shit My Wife Likes Making Fun Of.

(I’m kidding honey. I love you and your paycheck that allows me to stay home and whine about how the Olympians are in such good shape while finishing the kids’ mac and cheese.)

(But mostly you.)

(Ohh guys! Wanna know the whitest guy sentence ever that he said yesterday? “I was underwhelmed by that foie gras.” I’m dying here you guys.)

But! I snapped some pics from the last few days While the kids ate pizza and ran around me and I tried to figure out ADHD meds and sleeping hormones and…oh, sorry. That got heavy. Another post.

Anyway. Olympics and self loathing. Coming right up.

I watched the rest of the women’s gymnastics events, and yeah no what everyone else has said is true. Aly Raisman’s parents are the most amazing people ever and they’re so typical parents and if my children had any talent I’d def behave like that as well. (Or I’d be figuring out how to sneak gin into the arena.) Simone Biles is a…I don’t even know what but it’s not human. My favorite person though was Sassy Gabby Douglas. She’s just…awesome. And that little perky one who was just there because she was good on the bars. She kept trying to be nice to everyone and it was so cute.

But even better than that was the 41-year-old from Uzbekistan who’s been hanging around the Olympics since like 1976 and just absolutely low-level kicking ass at it and dude! Forty one! Like, not an American 41 where you’re basically just out of your parents basement. Maaaybe have one failed marriage but basically still young.

Nope. This chick is an UZBEKISTAN 41. That’s really hard living right there. And she’s all like pssh, whatever, I’m just gonna put out my communist cigarette and pound on this vault for a while. Tell me more about your cheery American life and braided ponytail, Madison Kocian.

She’s even better than Sassy Gabby Douglas.

I was slightly disturbed that every single Chinese gymnast looked like my daughter. My SIX YEAR OLD daughter.

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You know how you can tell an athlete is American? They’re weirdly hot and look like they save girls’ numbers under “( First name) (Bar we met) (score of hotness)” in their phones.

Better than a passport.

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Also in the pool, Maya DiRado proved she’s even more adorable when winning. She won her super awesome race and then kissed her super awesome husband and then went back to her super awesome house and super awesome job because she like JUST graduated from college and OF COURSE she has a job and she’s never had to think about graduate school in the humanities while living in her parents’ house…sorry. Got a little off track there.

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Oh! I went with a gin martini the last few days, in case anyone was super interested in following the Olympics of Kathleen’s Evening Libations.

I love gin martinis and Buzz makes them exactly how I like them- shaken (yes I know it’s incorrect) while glancing at an unopened bottle of vermouth.

Our marriage you guys. It’s awesome.

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I’d really like to be in a place in my life where I could be running a super long super fast race and also take the time to do a KILLER matte red lip.

Damn girl. You go.

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Keeping up with the theme of these games, which is apparently weirdly specific facts about Kerri Walsh Jennings, we have a list of her 13 greatest days. Which sounds to me like a little high school- “On October 3rd he asked me what day it was…”

If I had to make a list of my 13 greatest days it would be like,

1.) Births of children (including the one I wasn’t there for)

2.) Wedding day blah blah blah

3.) Day I saw Jerry Buting and Dean Strang talking about JUSTICE.

4.) Day that a student wrote I was hot on my evaluation.

5.) Day I quasi-mastered false eyelashes.

6.) Day I touched Josh Groban’s hand

7.) Day I got retweeted by Noodles and Co.

8.) Day I started my Gwynnie Bee subscription

9.) I’m sure there are more.

10.) um….

11.) Oh master’s degree. That was pretty cool.

12.) Staying in a castle in Ireland.

13.) The day I figured out the perfect proportions for that awesome rum drink from Williamsburg.

Hers are more appropriate for TV.

ABSENCE OF PICTURE BECAUSE OF COPYRIGHT LAWS. 

I didn’t get a picture but somebody got proposed to on the medal stand and oh man. It’s a good thing im marred or I’d legit be taking to my bed in anguish. My parents are like thanking the Lord it’s not 2010 all up in here. It would not be pretty. I can tell you that much.

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