A few months ago, I subscribed to Martha Stewart Living. I don’t know why. I think it was free. Also sometimes I fancy myself a totally put-together lady who loves entertaining instead of someone who admittedly does love a good cocktail party but is also wearing leggings and no makeup and not minimal makeup, I mean NO makeup.
Anyway. Martha apparently has her shit together. (Except for that prison stint.) Every month she includes a monthly calendar with all the different things she does every day, to keep your home and life running smoothly. It looks like this:
February 1st: Wake up in the morning anticipating gliding through the day getting ready for Squeak’s birthday like a party goddess. Stumble through the day more like an insane person who definitely did not shower. Finish with a drink and a good convo re:Mormons.
February 2nd: Squeak’s Birthday! On Martha’s calendar, family and friends birthdays are totally blocked off because you know she just is truly PRESENT to those people all day. Not the case with a seven-year-old’s birthday. There’s a lot more “No, you can’t play with the harpoon gun I know you got it for a present.”
February 3rd: Spend day looking around dazedly and wonder if you should just move instead of clean.
February 4th: Investigate mortgage rates.
February 5th: Decide you can’t afford to move and begin extracting glitter from between the floor boards.
February 6th: Glitter.
February 7th: Laugh when someone mentions bulbs or seeds or something to you because pssh it’s winter. I’m not doing anything outside until I have to.
(Probably not even then.)
February 8th: Today the snow melted and Martha suggest surveying property for damaged trees. I surveyed our property for summer toys we lost and wash the biggest chunks off of a boat I haven’t seen since October and gave it to my kid to play with because he was bugging me.
February 9th: Think about Spring cleaning schedule. Laugh.
February 10th: Still laughing.
February 11th: Ignore the dryer vent that will probably one day kill us all.
February 12th: Celebrate anniversary with husband by having him forget about it and you passive aggressively talking about the day you met all day.
February 13th: Display beautiful flowers from husband!
February 14th: Valentine’s Day! Make a lava cake that you hide until after the kids go to bed. Think that some day they’ll probably put you in a home and call over their shoulders “Gonna go have some lava cake by myself now, Mom!” as they leave you there. Decide that you still really need a little time to yourself.
February 15th: Throw away all the half-assed valentines your kids made that even they don’t care about.
February 16th: Attempt a pilates video on YouTube. Laugh at how ridiculous that is. Go back to eating left over lava cake.
February 17th: Brother-in-law’s birthday! Celebrate by saying horrifying things to each other under the guide of “Cards Against Humanity.”
February 18th: Consider spring wardrobe. Wonder when you last wore pants. Don’t care.
February 19th: Wrassle two children to Mass and yep, that pretty much takes care of the day.
February 20th: Long morning hike…through Aldi.
February 21st: Bring fresh eggs to office…wait. I don’t have eggs. Or an office. Settle for offering children Cookie Crisp OR Fruit Loops for breakfast. Like we’re a friggin restaurant or something.
February 22nd: Try to explain fractions to daughter. Have her respond with “But they’re all pieces!” just like you did when you were little. Stare at wall and reconsider life choices.
February 23rd: Begin to prepare for spring gardens…by picking the obvious Christmas stuff off the potted evergreens you bought in November.
February 24th: Dinner with friends…which is free and involves childcare. DATE NIGHT.
February 25th: Don’t put on pants.
February 26th: Relax after church ignoring responsibilities until half an hour before bedtime and then run around like a banshee BECAUSE WE HAVE TO GET READY FOR THE WEEK GAAAAH.
February 27th: MIL’s birthday. Celebrate by drinking her wine that you can’t afford.
February 28th: Look back at the month and plan for March. Cry. Laugh. Decide you don’t care. Pour another glass of wine.